The Great Temple Marriage Fix

So, why can't my Methodist aunts and uncles attend a Mormon temple marriage?

They're good people, easily as Christian and loving as my mother's dysfunctional Mormon family. I feel much closer to them than to my mom's family and am quite certain that, unlike several of my mom's self-righteous LDS siblings, every one of my dad's siblings who could afford to travel to Utah would show up at my marriage and celebrate the occasion appropriately with me and my new bride.

The standard line, of course, from the folks in the giant LDS phallus downtown is that temple ceremonies are so "sacred" that only worthy "members" should be allowed to attend. But since when did sanctity prohibit Christians from coming together to witness each others' sacraments?

My Methodist cousins and their ministers consider their marriage ceremonies to be at least as sacred as my Mormon cousins do. Yet nobody in white suits stands at the doors of Methodist churches to keep me or anyone else from attending my cousins' weddings. Of course, the bald, unspoken Mormon premise is simply that Methodist marriages are decidedly not as sacred as Mormon ones, but Mormons also believe that their baptisms, communions, priesthood ordinations and other sacraments are more sacred than everyone else's, too. And contrary to popular belief in Mormon circles, we are bound by scripture to let in anyone who wants to participate in our weekly sacraments of the Lord's Supper.

Of course, anyone who's gone through the Mormon temple ceremonies knows that the real reason the old guys in the white suits at the doors of the temple bar the uninitiated is because Mormons take oaths to never reveal the mechanics of certain temple rites. The reasoning isn't exactly clear, but most religious practices, when objectively examined, aren't very comprehensible, either. This much is beyond dispute: up until twenty years or so ago, Mormons actually stipulated physical, bloody, murderous violence would befall them should they ever reveal the various hand grips and ritual arm positions that comprise the Mormon temple "endowment."

One of those hand grips forms an essential, and very visible, part of the temple marriage ceremony.

So, given the option of having their bellies split open and their throats slit, or keeping out loving parents and extended family from attending a relatively brief ceremony (disregarding the temple "sealer's" sometimes interminable pre-ceremony "advice"), Mormons from "non-member families" have, understandably, made the difficult decision to leave Mom and Dad at the door.

But is it really that necessary? Nothing in the actual words of the temple marriage ceremony contains words or names that anyone takes an oath to keep under wraps. The wacky temple garb, from flowing white robes and green leaf patterned aprons to those funky "mushroom hats" the men wear are not actually so sacred they can't be viewed--anyone who's attended a Mormon funerary viewing has seen their deceased loved one fully attired in the complete temple garb. And in any event, only the bride and groom are required to wear the garb, anyway--spectators just show up in suits and nice dresses (sans shoes). Oh, and the interiors of Mormon temples? They've been open to public view for decades now prior to dedication, and are also included, room by room, in a number of picture books available for public consumption.

So, what's really so sacred that my dad's Methodist family can't see?


A simple hand grip made over an altar.


That's it. The one and only thing whose sanctity keeps "non-Mormons" from witnessing their children's Mormon temple marriages is a simple hand grip. The bride's hand in the groom's hand, with the fingers in an odd configuration.


So...cover it up.

Fixed. No more problems. No more family dissensions or hurt feelings or animosity over the wedding.

Just drop a nicely decorated, opaque handkerchief over the couple's clasped hands and then let everyone in for the ceremony.

There's still the issue of whether Methodists are "unclean things" which are categorically barred from entering the temple as well, but I'll make sure my Uncle J.R. takes a shower before he comes in.